Oh hey! I Discovered a Boundary?!
"You expect me to pump during calls and bring my baby to after-hours meetings to make this position work for me?"
Nope. Hard pass.
That was not the relationship I wanted between my parenting and my work. And I found out through trying it.
The first inkling came while I sat at my desk on a call, struggling to get my pump cups to fit. I had a private office, so it was easy enough to have the space and some level of comfort to do what I needed to do. But muting myself on calls, worrying about whether my pump could be heard when I came off mute, and having co-workers knock and pop in while I was adjusting was frustrating. Worse yet, it decreased my milk flow, so it was a lot of effort for minimal output, quite literally.
The next moment that really cracked things open for me was having my baby brought to the office when an evening meeting ran long and my childcare provider had to go. I loved them for bringing my kiddo to me so I could stay at the meeting, but I didn't want to be at the meeting that ran past time and cut into my time with my baby.
I tried flagging meetings that were likely to run long and asking my childcare provider to be flexible about staying late. I had made a promise to myself when I started that job, that I would not miss any of my child's bedtimes. I would be there to put my baby to sleep. One meeting ran so long that by the time I got home, my childcare provider had gotten my child to sleep for the night. I checked on them and immediately burst into tears when I left the room. I'd done the thing I promised myself I wouldn't. I missed something that felt sacred to me.
I realized I could not hang, and I learned my definition of "family-friendly" was different than the one the organization I was at held.
"Family-friendly" work cultures can look all sorts of different ways. There's definitely a version that looks like: we understand that you're a parent, and we welcome your kids in our work spaces. That works for some people.
When I was with my baby (this was many years ago, I do not currently have a baby), I wanted to be fully present with my kid, and fully present with my work when I turned to it.
What I'd stumbled into was a boundary.
We don't always know the boundaries we have within our workplaces, because lots of things can feel values-aligned and solid until we're directly experiencing them. A role can sound right on paper and still ask for something you can't give without losing something you need.
For me, a family-friendly workplace looked like a space that balanced work expectations so that when it's time to be off, you're actually off. Workloads were crafted with intention, so I could show up for what mattered to me outside of work without sacrificing my presence in the work.
That experience taught me to ask different questions when I'm exploring what workplaces and spaces fit for me:
What are the actual structural supports behind a claim like "family-friendly"?
What cultural norms back it up?
When it's time to be off, are people actually off?
If you lead or manage people, this matters twice. You're learning your own boundaries, and you're shaping whether the people on your team get to find theirs without it costing more than they can afford to pay.
I coach Directors and Managers at justice-centered nonprofits, social enterprises, and co-ops who are working to lead in line with their values. Boundaries come up a lot, and they're hard to name while you're in the middle of the discomfort.
So I built a guided journal for exactly that moment. The Boundary You Didn't Know You Had crystallizes what's making you uncomfortable at work and identifies what you can do about it in 30 minutes, without scripts or rules for someone else to follow. Get the journal here for $12.
What's a boundary with work that you discovered, or are discovering the hard way?
If you're looking to put words to your boundaries and hold them, book a 30-minute vibe check. We'll talk through what's going on, see if we're a fit, and if so, talk next steps and pricing. And if you want to bring this conversation to your team or your event, take a look at speaking engagements.
